I don't care which self-help guru you look to and what they say, no one enjoys failure. I've heard people say things like, "I sometimes enjoy failing, because I tend to learn something important from the experience." This is total bunk and we all know it. While it may be true that some of the best lessons we can learn in life are in the wake of a failure, it is not close to an enjoyable experience. If that were the case, why make plans at all? Why make any attempt to succeed. If you enjoyed failure, would you know what success looks like? I very much doubt it. Instead of trying to convince ourselves that we can somehow enjoy failing, lets take a different look at a better way to put this idea into words.

I believe we should all have a respect for failure. This doesn't mean we like it, but instead we recognize that not everything we do in life will be the resounding success we wish it were. Instead, we will make the best plans we can, read every article, and watch every video on a particular subject and still might end up failing. Now don't get me wrong; just because I know I will fail doesn't mean I simply accept failure. I have handled failure in one of two ways in my life. First, in the not so distant past, I would take it very personally. I'd tell myself I wasn't good enough. I'd ask myself, "Why did you even bother?" Whatever lessons there were to be learned in coming up short would be completely lost on me simply because I couldn't see the value in what I had accomplished in the light of the area I'd failed in. I was a master of allowing the perfect to be the enemy of the good.

As time has gone on, I still struggle with this tendency to get down on myself when I make a mistake either in relationships or in projects. However, I continuing to work to get better at it. That will likely be a topic for a future post. In the meantime, lets get back to failure. As stated above, failure in life is a guarantee. No one gets out with all of their best plans and intentions intact except God himself through the saving work of Jesus Christ. Therefore, let's take the same attitude about failure as we do about gravity. We know gravity exists. We spend all of our lives fighting against it by simply standing, walking, and eating. Yet, we all know without a doubt that there will be days when we are too weak to get up. We will trip over something and fall. We will drop our fork or spill our drink. Do we simply stop fighting gravity because these things happen? Of course we don't. Instead, we work on a better diet to keep our bodies healthy. We work on being more observant of our surroundings. We place a napkin on our lap when we eat. Failure should be no different.

Ultimately what our lack of respect for failure breeds is a fear of failure. This is a paralizing place to be and it keeps up from living. We're afraid we will be told "no." We're afraid that all of the time and money spent on a project won't be good enough. We're afraid that if we take on something grand, we will be embarrassed if we fail. As a result we simply do nothing. We take no risks and allow our critics to become our prophets. All we end up doing is making it clear that we don't want to accomplish anything because we might fail. What we ought to be doing is doing things that are just outside of our comfort zones in order to slowly expand those zones, and that's where we get into the parts of failing that all of the life coaches preach. That's where we learn our lessons.

One thing you will find as time goes on with this blog is that I enjoy doing projects around the home and woodworking. One year, I got the idea of building cabinets under a bar top my wife and I have in our home. Previously, the space was just closed in and dead air. So, for her birthday, I told her I'd build her cabinets. I went to work tearing out the old wainscoting panels that hid the space. I was almost immediately met with problem after problem. First, I learned I'd have to do a lot of reframing the structure under the bar top to have any hope of making it functional. This part wasn't much more than simply measuring, cutting, and framing 2x4s. Then, it was to build a face frame for the soon-to-be cabinets. I can't tell you how much time and effort the frame cost me. I'd measure and cut and screw and glue only to test fit the frames and find it didn't fit because of a small imperfection here or there. I'd take it back out and work on it more only to have the same issue in a different spot. I was beyond frustrated. I was so sick of having problems that I developed a tunnel vision of sorts focused solely on getting the frame to fit. It wasn't until quite some time later when I reflected on the experience that I realized all of the lessons I had actually learned about carpentry and didn't even bother to notice before. 

The same, or more, could be said of the doors. I was convinced that I could build my own doors rather than pay some huge fee to have custom-sized doors built. So, bought my boards, rough cut them to a size close to the final dimensions, and began to laminate them together with glue and clamps. I was so proud of my work when I closed my workshop for the day because I had worked at a new skill I never had before. This feeling was destroyed when I walked in the next day to find that two of the four doors were bowed. I had apparently used too much pressure with clamps and hadn't put any sort of brace on the top to hold the boards flat as they glued. I was not happy with myself. It put me in a foul mood and I was just about to throw in the towel when I took the time to simply think. What other projects had I done in the past that gave me skills for this moment? What tools did I have or could I get that would help me with this? Then, I asked a question I'll never forget that began to work on my idea of failure completely: "What new skills can I learn by correcting this problem?" From that point forward, I was motivated. It was not easy or fun necessarily, but with some planning, thought, and effort, I learned some new ways to use a table saw and found that my favorite woodworking tool is a hand plane. Had I quit when I felt like a total failure, I'd probably still only have half-completed cabinets and none of the skills to carry on to other projects.

So, no, I did not, and will never, enjoy failing, but it does give me an opportunity to reflect, learn, and grow if I simply pay attention. I fail at something every day, not because I try to fail but because it is a part of life. I find my strength in knowing that God has blessed me with certain talents and abilities. Some of them need to be refined and others need to be discovered. I also accept that I just won't be able to do some things, but that's ok. Sometimes just trying is the important part. Finally, I also know that in the end, my help does not come just from own hands and efforts. Instead, I take comfort in knowing that what is written in Psalms 124: 1-4 is completely true.

"​I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep."

​Amen.
​
Brian
​Alchemy Wolf

It has been said that the internet is both a wealth of knowledge and a haven for stupidity. Anyone that has spent more than five minutes online can find that there is a ton of truth to that summary of the internet. At no point in human history has the pursuit of information been easier. Yet, it is so easy for the information we seek to become hidden or muddled by all of the distractions we encounter at various stages of our internet dives. It is all there for us to find if we only have the will and desire to find it. To be honest, which is one reason I decided to start this site, I have no idea if anyone will find this blog. They are a dime a dozen these days. Sure, they may be less popular than they used to be given the rise of social media. Most people barely have time to read anything more than a headline while scrolling through their feeds, so why would they make the time to read the longer thoughts of another individual. I suppose it has a lot to do with the motivations of the knowledge seeker. Are they looking to be affirmed or are they looking to actually better themselves? I am hoping to do a little bit of both with these musings. 

When I speak of hoping to affirm others, I don't mean it in the way society seems to use it today. What I really mean is this: I am just a normal guy trying to figure out how to be a better man. That is it. How is that affirming? Well, do a quick search and you will find numerous such men on the internet shooting for the same goal. Masculinity has been attacked to the point to where many men are emotionally insecure, deficient in the fine art of being men, and basically are just boys who can shave. I will quickly raise my hand to say I have resided in that crowd, even as recent as a few years ago. Then, something changed. I looked around at society and it didn't seem right. We were denying "First Things" as set forth by God in our own design. We were losing true compassion for virtue signaling. Our rights were slowly eroded away by a government who had forgotten that "We the People" give consent to them to govern. Men were becoming less like men and we were drifting towards androgyny like a train without brakes. Fast forward a few years and all of those things are just as true, but now they are taking anabolic steroids. I wanted to be part of the solution in whatever little ways I could. Thus you will find here bits of my own journey. You'll find my failures and successes. You'll find a guy who wants to be a better man for his wife, child, family, friends, community and, above all, for God. Will this become some giant movement because I write a blog? That outcome isn't likely, but I am a firm believer that we do the little things we can and allow them to add up over time. If that means take care of just what's in your immediate reach, then so be it.

Now that we've gotten through some of the "whys" of this page, let me introduce myself. My name is Brian. I am chemist by education and training. I was a minister for ten years of my life. I am not perfect, by far, and tend to be closer to the "broken" end of the spectrum than the "fixed" end more often than not. I also know that I am loved and saved by a God whose mercy and grace far exceed anything I am worthy of. I am a nobody in the grand scheme of history and I have made more mistakes than I care to truly recount, yet I am forgiven by the blood of Jesus Christ and I will make no apologies for saying so. That truth is what is at the center of the concept for this blog and the center of what being a true man is for me. Before the ladies feel left out, much of what will be discussed can help with your own journey as well. I am a guy though, after all, and since I plan to keep it that way, much of what I write will be written from and for that perspective. I encourage you to hang around though, because godly men need godly women.

So why the "Alchemy Wolf?" Most people have  heard the term "alchemy" at some point in their lives and have formed some sort of image in their minds of what it looked like or means. As a chemist myself, the history of the practice is fascinating to me, but I'll spare you most of the details. The basic concept was that someone, with enough knowledge and effort, could turn any metal or combination of metals into gold. Obviously, the purpose of the endeavor was never realized, but it did unintentionally create and prove many theories about the world and how it works. I want to take this idea of "alchemy" and apply it to life today. Specifically, a life of becoming a better man. The true idea of alchemy is taking one substance and with heat, pressure, and experimentation, turning it into a more valuable substance. I want to apply alchemy to my life. I want to take the messy, tarnished man sitting here and writing this today and through the heat and pressure of change, make myself more useful and valuable to service for God, my family, and my community. 

Wolves are another thing that people tend to have an image of. It's either this majestic vision of a wolf with snow blowing into it's face on top of a mountain, or it's one of the wolf stealing chickens. Ever since I was a child I have been fascinated by wolves. Their intellect, pack mentality, and social order is something that many of us can take lessons from. However, many times when we refer to someone as a "wolf" we are not meaning it in a flattering way. They tend to be the people we are warned not to hang around. They are conniving, selfish, vicious, and have all manner of other negative character traits. Even the Bible speaks about wolves hiding under the veneer of a sheep and that we must be watchful. But are all "wolves" (in the human sense) bad? I think we all have the ability to choose which type of wolf we will be. Will we live within our fallen nature, take advantage of others and be out for ourselves, or can we take our inner wolf to the foot of the cross and become a guardian for others and useful to the Lord? 

That's my goal. I want to take this shaggy, messy, sometimes selfish wolf and turn him into a valuable watchman for the world and Heaven alike. I invite you to take this journey with me. I can't promise that I'll write Pulitzer Prize winning pieces, but they will be honest and real. I believe its time for all of us to stand up and become the people God made us to be; it just might take standing in a fire to get there.

​Brian
Alchemy Wolf